I was born in the year of 1961.
My mother and father have brought me up as if they have grown a green bean among cottons, very carefully; very protective, very conservative, very modern, very struggling, and very satisfied, as very princess. I have been as what they had wished and so married with my red girth also as they had wished.
Playing house has begun, I have taken out everything existing in my wedding chest and laid them around…my things, my dishes, my doilies and bed coverings. But! We have not been at the same social statute as with the prince on the white horse. Both he and me were very good people; but we have tried to force each other to change themselves and to socialization, and I have been forced. My whole days have been passing away with applying all of the lessons thought me by my family in order to make him happy. My grand son came into world in the year of 1986, while I was trying to deal with three course meal and salad, single line ironed pants, cleaning e.g. I have had difficulty in dealing with my first mothering; the prince on the white horse was a doctor and he has interfered in my affairs continuously. “Have this to wear, have this to take off, the water is too hot, don’t wash the baby, and don’t have anybody to pick him up and hold him in his/her arms, because his was not shot, e.g.”, but I have been content with my life. The whole responsibility of the house is subject to me with respect to the services; washing-cleaning-pickling-shelling, taking-giving-pouring, making jam, pickling… We have been living in a small town because of the compulsory service. Because I was the daughter of a military family and we have been living in different places frequently owing to the appointments, so that I have been used to also this town immediately and in a very short time. The important thing for me was my husband and my children and I could feel myself happy wherever we live in. My parents had thought me so… I have been used to the environment. So my second son came into world. It was a male… But I have wished it to be a female baby…
Years have been passed away in the same vicious circle. I have forgotten myself because of running about here and there for my family and trying to make them feel themselves happy. Nothing I have understood with my marriage and haven’t being understood anything, and it would go on the same in the future. And at the end I have realized I haven’t understood anything with my marriage when I could find an opportunity to ask myself the question of “who am I?” fifteen years after my marriage! I haven’t could find who I am for three days long, then I wrote myself into a paper; I was not the same Eda as at my marriage. I have been given roles when I was a little child; you would become sweet, cute, proper, and would become a wife after red girth, would become a mother and the lady of your home… I have also became all these, but I wasn’t these indeed. I have returned to Istanbul with two mattresses and two children. I had nothing as financial manner. In addition to these, I have received reaction from my family because of telling them that I was going to divorce. They detached me from themselves with the panic of “How the environmentalist pressure will become?”. All of them have begun to gloat over me afar, as if saying “hmm, watch your situation now”. Just at that moment my struggle for life which was free, hard, included heavy price, but very happy have started again. I have found a job, followed computer courses and received a certificate: I have taken the examination of Open Education Faculty, passed the exam and I have graduated from there. I have got ahead at my job and still working. My grand son has become very successful at his school and he has been always awarded with scholarships. Now he is receiving foreign education. My little son was also very successful at his school and well-liked by his teachers. He was a very sweet, lovable and respectful child. Our relations with my family have got better after one year.
The part you have red until this point, is my story. I suppose you have red, heard or lived similar stories. Aren’t these the known, heard and lived things in the life? However it was hard, I have produced solutions in any way for all the negativities that I have written above, I have managed to be able to stay standing, not to impose myself upon anybody and find remedies in order to survive our lives with my children as happy and healthy, haven’t I? It means “I HAVE MANAGED THAT”… Hah! But, it seems that, there were such things in life that you said I wouldn’t experience that and the things have never crossed your mind… These are the things we try to find a remedy, suppose we can find or already had found remedies but we have struggled at wrong place and have lost time, we don’t know how to behave or do, we can’t find anybody, anybodies to ask, to receive advice, but the things to be lived however…
The only reason why we feel, live these things are biological, mental and social lack of knowledge… I also have lived very hard days at my story, which I will tell now, in the following paragraphs and wish to share with you that I have lived recently because of this lack of knowledge.
The Story of My Daughter
In the year of 2005, my little son suddenly cut down eating. He didn’t go out from his room. He was alone with himself. That sweet, chatty, cheerful boy has gone away and ill-tempered, aggressive and obsessive boy has come instead of him. He was fifteen years old, in other words his pubescence has exactly begun. He was doing well at his lessons. And also he was well-liked at his school. I haven’t persisted because suggesting his behaviors and attitude as the result of pubescence crisis that we heard, knew and I was thought. He has begun to loose weight very quickly and hasn’t received any food besides one package of whole-wheat bread and water. His health condition has been becoming worse day by day. I have taken him to a psychologist. Anorexia neurosis has been diagnosed. We have struggled a great deal regarding the matter… Just at that moment, in year of 2006, I have fallen ill suddenly in my working place. The doctors have diagnosed as cerebral aneurysm (balloon) and taken me to surgical operation by telling my mother, father and relatives that “20 % of her is alive, nothing can be known and estimated related with what could be happen while the surgical operation”.
I have been slept for three days long. When I have returned to life back, I was very happy. The God hasn’t taken me away from my children. Just fifteen days after this, one day the doctors have crowded into my room. There has been again balloon between my ear and jugular vein; it has been required to be taken away. Again I have been taken into surgical operation. My fair was not for being death, but because of leaving my children alone without me. I have suffered very hard days, but received very much love and interest from my relatives, friends and family; they have never left me alone. However I have been in a very far away hospital, they have come and back to hospital every day. I have managed to be discharged from the hospital without any permanent symptom by means of their love.
The only thing I have learned when I have been sick was the life was very short and anything could have been at any time; so it was necessary to be happy while living and feeling the taste of being alive…
I have returned to my home. My head was sawed throughout, my hairs were shaved and I was convalescent. My sweet, warm-hearted, friendly little son sat in the armchair across me and he said: “Mom, if you have died, I couldn’t have lived together either with my father or with my grandparents”. I was petrified with astonishment. “Aaa! He has estimated my being death and made search for a place to stay” I thought about. I felt bored. Because I have been suffering a severe trauma, I could feel myself very sad because of almost everything. I lived this event internal and said nothing to him. Just I have stood in wonder. On the following day, he has come up to me again as anxious and tearful spirit, and said something which have disappointed whole my life doctrines and harder than to realize what I know or not, harder than the surgical operation, harder than divorcing from the husband, harder than finding a job and harder than the obstacles in my life that I have run into frequently. He said “Mom, my spirit is different from my body”, but I couldn’t understand. I suddenly looked at his eyes as if saying “what does it mean?”, but again I couldn’t understand. I asked “What kind of thing is that?” He said “I’m a female indeed, but my body is male”. I frost up, disappointed, surprised, cried and we stayed silent for a long time. I thought. I thought and said myself that “this couldn’t realize reaching puberty or he became psychopath”. And set my heart at ease. Anyhow I could find solutions for any matter. So I said I could find also for this and broke the silence. And, “Honey, my dear, don’t worry and care, we can take over it”, I said. I said so, but I’m disappointed, felt sore and a dark road was laid down in front of my eyes. I was petrified with astonishment so.
I felt myself very sad, because my son was schizophrenia. No, no, he was at puberty! He couldn’t realize the transfer to puberty. No, no, he was psychopath! I was surprised and confused very much. This was not something to be shared easily. All after these points, it was not possible for me to tell my matter to any body in order to keep my son from getting a bad name. I was thinking all these things. And I sat in front of the computer and entered internet at the same time and begun to search for a psychiatrist. I wished for an un-medicated treatment, and found it also in my opinion… I begun say “Look honey, you will take it over” to my son for the time being. He was telling me persistently “this doesn’t pass away mom, I have been always so”. “Oh my God! I said. I was telling myself “He has suffering from an illness, but I couldn’t realize it, so it has progressed”.
I called his doctor father. “Look !” I said. “His situation is thus and so…”, he maintained silence and some while later, “He was confused” he said. However he was a doctor, just sitting in silence more than me and looking around. I think he was upset very much. And anyway he left the home immediately.
I have received permission from my working place to go to the doctor. We have gone to doctors and back almost for 8 months. He has been quarrelling with me always on the way to doctor. “Mom, you have so much money? Mom, I can’t change” he was saying. And, I’m saying “Haaa, hııı” and tugging his arms. I have made visits to psychiatrist for long, long time. I have wished that the psychiatrist to tell me that this was a temporary problem, it was a mental illness. I have expected them to say “He was confused at adolescent”.
Meanwhile, my son has closeted in his room. He has become extremely angry, aggressive and self-conscious. He has gone to kitchen and back continuously and drunk sage tea. I realized and learned what purpose the sage tea serves later. While my child has been drinking sage tea glass by glass, nothing has come to my mind. I was suggesting that he was drinking it for getting comfortable. My mind was not at the tea. I was obsessed by “mom, I’m a female indeed” and kept my mind still there. Just at that moment, one day my friend from Marmaris and her daughters have come to our house. We have gone to shopping center together. I have attempted to buy a t-shirt for my son, but he was very anxious. He was getting angry and didn’t like it. But he couldn’t manage to keep up with me and entered into a cabinet, in order to try the t-shirt on… I opened the curtain of the cabinet suddenly, to see how it fit on him! You could never imagine what I saw! My son had breasts and he has hidden them from my eyes by wearing loose fit things…”what are these” I asked myself. I was extremely surprised. He told me “mom, they have appeared because of sage tea”.
“My son, if this tea is so efficient and mystique, why all these people follow the silicon?” I said. I said so, but my heart is bleeding.
It was bleeding and we went out. I didn’t tell him anything. I didn’t complain. I called his psychiatrist. He said, “The situation is severe, take him to Capa” and I took him to the Dear Professor Doctor, who I have respect for and still we continue to visit him. He took my son in his room and spoke with him for a long time, then after some while he invited me inside. “What are you expecting from me related with your child? Why did you come here?” he said. I told him that “I wanted to clarify and realize the situation of my child and I’m expecting for acceptance”. He took my child outside.
“Your child is transsexual, be use to acceptance” he said. “But!”, I said. While saying “Dear Professor, this child is very confused, this is anorexia…but professor in this way, but professor in that way”, the professor told me that “Do I say that he is psychopath, do you want me to say so?”. “Yes!” I said. He said “No”, “He is not psychopath”. “Alright” I said, and went out from the room. I didn’t give any sign to my child.
My legs weren’t able to stand. I was shaking like leaf. I felt my self too incurable. After sending my child, his elder brother to home I sat at a bank and begun to cry. I cried with bellowing. I cried while enduring great suffering. I lost my son, I lost my child, I have cried very much for this reason. My crying was stopped. The diagnosis made and put in front of me by Dear Sahika Yuksel, who is the Chief of the Psychiatry Department of Capa was more effective than the things told me by my child. In other words, the situation has been determined. My daughter was born suddenly. Yes, yes, a daughter of me came to world. I had an old daughter baby; she was 15 years old also. I have started the acceptance process. What was the meaning of this; my family?, my friends?, my profession and job?, my neighbors?, my street?, his school?, his job, life? I looked at my daughter came to world as 15 years old from every body’s window. Off! It is too hard, too tiring, and too dark. I turned to my window and looked at my daughter. I frightened me. How I could grow this baby? I didn’t have any knowledge related with the subject.
But first of everything, I was required to make researches and to be informed me in order to make my dear child, which was my dear baby that provides my life readily and with pleasure for him, to make live whole long his life as healthy, happy and secure, to make him stand alone on his feet, to get education. I was going to perform all these things for my honey with pleasure, because he hasn’t deceived me. He hasn’t stolen anything, killed anybody. He hasn’t show disrespectfulness to anybody. He has just told me honestly “please help me, mom”. He has opened his heart for me. He expressed and told me his emotions, what he was feeling. He hasn’t hidden anything. My child’s being openhearted, added extra energy to my power.
Just in case, you know there is “Batman” at television series for children, he flies back and forth, and there is also She-ra by the power of gray-skull …Female version of him. That one was me from now on. I was going to be support for my son and for all other children who have these emotions and feelings. How it is easy and simple to say isn’t it? But to apply it in real life and obeying its rules is very very hard and difficult. But, if the matter is related with your child, it is both difficult and not…
He has begun to go to the therapies in Capa.
Nail file, tweezers has begun to appear and seen in my daughter’s room. I was being petrified with astonishment of everything that I have seen for the first time. I have tried to find a solution immediately. I bought a make-up set and basket for him immediately and put everything inside which were necessary for him, I placed them in it… I bought a nice mirror including foot for him.
I have realized that, the first thing to do was; to provide support for him to reach and take the body completely which he was feeling with that body at midpoint. His wearing, e.g. But, he was so exaggerating that… When I was saying “My dear daughter, why are you doing so?, look, the nails must not be so long, it is not normal to make the masks so thin, the girls behave in this way, in that way and they become lady”, he was beginning to complain and rumor as saying that “I want it so, I’m going to be as pretty as a picture”. I bought different colors of bras for him not to allow him to use and receive hormone by himself and so not to cause his health getting worse. But, while teaching him how to use it, my hearth was bleeding. Why it was so? What was I doing? When he turned back to me suddenly and asked “mom, it looks very nice, doesn’t it?” and when his face was smiling, I was straightened up and felt myself glad just because of seeing and feeling that he was happy.
I have tried to reach and catch both myself and my feelings and the rush, exaggerations of my daughter to manage and become a beautiful girl. I have always been telling him something, as let’s do it so and so…I’m still telling so and so.
I have my daughter recorded at the Open Education High School, at the last class of the high school. I have sent her to private teaching classroom, gone there and spoke with everybody in classroom: “I’m her mother. My daughter is going to take education in such a process” I said. “Alright” they said and provided us some facilities, supported her. She has lived stress while entering each examination. While she was received to examination room, one policeman and one policewoman were standing at each side of the entrance in order to perform the controls and she was always walking at the centre between them. Each time, I pulled her to the policewoman’s side and had her enter from that side while telling her that “come here, my dear daughter, do not get excited”. And my daughter’s graduation mark from the high school was 100 on the scale of hundred. Besides, she also entered university. She has begun to use hormone under the control of doctors. Her hairs have grown; she has cut down her exaggerations. She has
gained self-confidence, lived her feelings hidden in her inside world with exaggerations, but at the end she has reached to maturity appropriate for her age. My baby has begun to grow. While living these, I have always been afraid, anxious, concerned and still I’m being so. The reason for this should be the mothering instinct; in other words just mothering!
Now, we are living in a different dimension: MOTHER AND HER DAUGHTER! I’m reading books related with adolescence and menopause. Mother and Her Daughter, Mothering Factor, e.g. I have so many things to be shared with you, but it is best if I begin to summarize:
MY FAMILY: Her brother has already accepted the situation, so that he supported me and his daughter, strengthen our spirituality. My son informed our environment continuously while the adoption of them and provided support.
HER FATHER: I couldn’t realize his attitude yet. He has provided financial support for the tuition fees.
MY FATHER: My father has accepted. However he said “Oh, my dear daughter, don’t slip her through your fingers, hug her”, but he was asking questions continuously because of lack of knowledge, however he was 76 years old. He has received the title of being the first grandfather participated in CETAD meetings, and he has asked many questions there, he has been confused, but received information. He told Dear Dr. Mrs. Nesrin that “We also haven’t been aware of the matter, because of the lack of knowledge, we have otherized her”.
MY MOTHER: He has refused beginning from the first days. I haven’t insisted on, I haven’t meet let them come together and face to face. One year later, she invited us to her house because of the Holiday and met with her grandchild. She hugged her and said “You became very pretty”.
THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE WE ARE LIVING: I didn’t change my house; why I need to go from one place to other… It is the neighborhood that our relatives, familiars, neighbors are living in. I went out by taking my daughter’s arm and didn’t bend my head. I haven’t thought what they may say. Nobody provides us our bread, water and values. We are earning our living by ourselves. Still they haven’t asked anything, and they can’t ask also! The attitude is very important…
MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE: They have accepted beginning from the first days and provided their support.
LAMBDAISTANBUL FAMILY GROUP: Thanks God, we have pioneered such a work; we have gathered courageously, lovely, respectfully. We are supporting each other as mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers. We have gained new relatives; my daughter has aunts, uncles, brothers. We, the parents of Lambdaistanbul Family Group, who meet at the same feelings and opinions, have thought me to feel myself strong. We have adopted being respectful, having unconditional love, GETTING KNOWLEDGE before judging and otherizing and supporting as the principle for ourselves.
MY BOYFRIEND: He has been together with me as my friend, as my oxygen tube; He was always with me when I was living the troubles, difficulties, crying and feeling myself very helpless. Thanks very much to him.
INFORMATION TO BE LEARNED BY US: What is sexual orientation? THE SCHHOL TO LEARN IT IS CETAD…
Thanks God, my child hasn’t hidden his sexual attitude, in other words he hasn’t hidden himself from me. The hiding and saying lies arise from the fair of being refused. According to my opinion, how much we can manage to be open-minded and transparent, it would be better for us and our environment. A lot of missions and responsibilities fall to us, as mothers and fathers. The families which refuse their children and reprobate them are escaping from themselves; they can’t face up to themselves because of the environment. The society is prejudiced against our children living sexual identity differences. As it is expected from them to live an upright life and turn an honest penny, their not being able to find an honest dealing is the most heartbreaking one among the dilemmas lived by the society because of their ignorance related with the subject. I think, the sexual identity is the constant and unchangeable part of the identity of a person and it is required the society to change its point of view instead of individual’s being accustomed himself/herself to the society. In order to manage this, the support of parents is required. Life is very short, let the people live their sexual orientation and identity in a healthy, happy and secure way how they become and feel pleased, whatever they are. Let’s protect our children. Not we eat our children and ourselves up by saying and thinking of “What the environment or somebody says?”. Let’s become conscious, speak with our children. We must speak with them, because I believe that the main perversions are caused by hidings and postponing.
The sentence which we always keep in our mind, and repeat continuously that will keep us as strong against the expressions, such as “What everybody say?” is (I’m saying it as regarding my experiences, I kept as myself survived just with this sentence):
Sexual identity is just a small detail of personal identity. We have so many characteristics that shape us as a personality, don’t we? It is not true that the majority is always right. Do not forget, also the flowers are 1001 kinds…
I wish everybody to have health and peace.